My dad teaching me to drive
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??