Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
wow he looks just like him
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.