Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
File under excellent bookstore names.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!