Oh thanks BBC.
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
🍞🦆
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*