evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
You Might Also Like
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Attacked by a mop.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
decorating my apartment
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.