Scream sneezers need love too.
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke