whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker