[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
u spoke cat all this time??????
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last