Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
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