The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Awwwww shit.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”