Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please