Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing