That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.