Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.