WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
You Might Also Like
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church