I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
There is no try. There is only give up.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.