I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
You Might Also Like
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My favorite female superhero
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch