[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You Might Also Like
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.