The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Jogging
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.