My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?