How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Just a bush.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.