Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
You Might Also Like
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
first you must answer his riddles
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.