Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children