the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.