i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
not seeing the problem
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.