If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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Good boy 😂😂
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
3% human
97% stress