My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.