Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*