Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
nobody’s gonna understand
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…