What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.