This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
and now we wait
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
good for her
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.