I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
How times have changed.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.