Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
john wicks are toilet candles
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.