Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*