[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
@funTweeters
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”