[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.