My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
At least he brought enough for everyone
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?