I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The booster protects against what, now?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.