“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Jogging has never helped my memory.