If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Our lord and savoury.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My favorite farside!!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream