My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
don’t be scared
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.