i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.