Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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