Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants