Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Um … Hot Wings please
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
(more comics:
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
not seeing the problem