Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed