Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything