I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me redecorating every room in my mind
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.