my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
You Might Also Like
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
why would tinder want me to say this
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Meat Cute
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?