Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.